Day 8
There’s a glitch in the matrix. My heart, completely calm the last few days, is stormy today and I struggle to lift up in joyous gratitude as I wake on my yoga mat on the deck of my bure. The weather meets me at my emotional level.
I am fretting about ‘what next’. Leaving the island.
I think it’s important to point out here that there’s nothing I wish to avoid in returning to my life (that I am consciously aware of), just that I don’t wish anything to change. I want to stay in this beautiful state and I am afraid that I may not be capable.
I am wondering whether I will be able to hold this space that I have created when the minutiae of daily life intrudes, when the needs of two small people once again be repeated placed over my own. My need for silence, theirs to make noise. My need for calm, theirs to throw wild emotional tantrums. Will my soul burn with this fire if I don’t nurture it for hours every day? Is this what monks find when they commit to a life of chastity and forsake the lives of normal folks? Is the reward for thei life of sacrifice this feeling of being completely, sensuously full in every moment? I imagine it is, yes. Who needs the things of the world when you can live every moment as wholly and fully as I have in these last days - in my own head.
Stephen refers to this feeling as ‘a beautiful state’ - a term adopted from the inimitable Tony Robbins - and his whole purpose in life is to live in this place regardless of what is happening around him. He used to call it ‘enlightenment’ but I would get too irritated at what I feel is a completely arrogant and presumptive term when he applies it to himself. Jesus was enlightened, Buddha was enlightened but mere men rarely reach this peak of illumination….especially not one that does not study the art of discipline, meditation or mental and physical fitness.
And yet….he’s also on to something.
If one could maintain in every moment of one's life, the state of bliss with which many of my moments here have passed, then I do believe that this would be called ‘enlightenment’.
I will wait for his small moment of triumphant ‘I told you so’ in a couple of days when he reads this. :)
I re-read my words and can see that they are all over the place, a mirror of my mind. Last night as the final gleam of light from the sun faded off the water leaving only a thick black blanket stifling the air, the tropical storm broke over our heads. Water poured from the sky as if tipped from buckets and the coconut trees bent their heavy heads towards the sand. Lightening splashed the sky with sheets of brilliant orange and yellow. We were a small band now and today was a quiet day. The day-trippers left a few hours ago and the kava began almost immediately. Tuesday is the locals kava night. Several of the younger warrior-dancers have told me that they will start kava early, drink fast and hard and then drift off into a limb-heavy body-stoned sleep.
One or two bowls and I feel that I have topped up my residual from yesterday. More of the guests join in tonight and there is an air of relaxation and merriment as skin colour and culture mingle, pushed closer together by the sheets of water enclosing humanity tightly around the kava altar.
Day 9
This morning, natures storm abated and, witness borne to my own residual stormy emotions, I yoga, I dance and I begin to iron out the creases in my mind-state; habits bearing up when my will was weak.
I rocked back to a state of bliss fairly quickly. It surprised me. I felt at first like I was just going through the motions of my routine, but by the time I had collapsed in a hot, sweaty, danced-out mess beneath the coconut trees I felt my heart open wide and energy begin to flow through my body. I felt no stagnant areas of pooling. The soles of my hand and feet felt alive, portals through with energy was streaming of its own accord. I’m flowing, I’m flowing, I’m flowing.
Is it just practice then? The more time spent in a beautiful state, the easier it would be to return to, like a new equilibrium of mind state has been set? Have I set a new equilibrium that would last into my normal life? Perhaps a better question to ask is; what do I need to do to ensure that this state of bliss becomes the state of my life.
Today I am grateful for;
- Kini and Langi returning to the island before I leave.
- That my habits were so easy to flow through and brought me back to a place of centre.
- Everything. Absolutely everything.
I visited the local village. It is remote; accessible mainly from the muddy river and the tin punt, and a windy mud track from the highway several miles inland. Several of the island dancers grew up in this village, the rustic island resort being one of the closest employers.
We disembark the tinny into muddy mangrove swamp mud and are greeted by men in native grass and leaf regalia. For the tourists, I cynically assume.
The basic living conditions took my breath away. Huts and hovels of made of varying materials and at various levels of dilapidation are scattered along a grassy fairway where the jungle has been beaten back and the village community grown.
The liaison to the Chief meets us and shares the village principles; cover skin, wear sarongs, remove hats. Several children - grandchildren of the Chief, I understand - are attired as warriors, holding wooden carved weapons and standing with all the solemnity and discipline available to a three year old. I muse on the significance of visiting tourists as an income stream for this village and I wonder how they have fared the last few years. Free range chickens, dogs and children observe the small group being inducted into village life.
We are taken to a welcome ceremony with the Chief. We present him a root of Kava. In return he shares his prepared bowl of kava, each of us in turn participating in consuming the muddy liquid and completing the clap-and-response that is Fijian kava tradition. Once welcomed, we are taken around the village by spokespeople, who share with us their way of life.
It is simple, and beautiful. I am humbled by the generosity of the Fijian people who share the story of who they are and how they live. They seem happy with this simplicity. Not for the first time I wonder how we, with all our ‘things’ and ‘quality of life’ and elaborate houses, towns and holidays have got it so wrong. Happiness is a state of mind, and simplicity seems to be conducive. I am not blind, however, to the challenges I see all around me. For one the school is on the other side of the river, and if the children miss the little daily punt they throw their clothes in a bag and swim across. Many generations live under one roof, sleeping together in a room, clothing seems limited and certain hygiene rituals in the first world are perhaps optional in the village. I wonder how covid affected a remote village like this, more perhaps from the total loss of economic activity, more than illness directly, I imagine.
I am grateful to return to the island, the stiff salty air washing the dusty village from my face. I while away the remaining hours reading and watching the beautiful bodies of the islanders about their daily chores. The men and the women, they move with a groundedness, a connection to their surroundings. I share a champagne with some of the guests, also leaving in the morning. I weave a basket with fronds. I walk on the beach, evenly placed footsteps in the sand becoming wild and scattered as walking becomes dancing, leaping, spinning and posing, with no one but the sun to watch me. My body moves with an ease and grace I can't remember feeling before. I would usually see the clumsiness in my less-than-perfected art of dancing but in my movement today I can feel only poetry. I am the warmth on the wind. I am light and spacious like sunlight. I am rooted in the Earth like an ancient tree. I feel like the heroine in a romantic story. Maybe I am. Maybe it is my own story and I can write a script in which I feel like this every day. I dance from my heart along this deserted beach, coconut palms and hermit crabs my own witness.
Leaping and spinning, singing and splashing become calmer, steadier footprints as I find myself returning to the resort side of the island. I am a warrior princess striding around her own island, queen of all she sees. I take my dream-state to a deckchair in the setting sun and I lie musing, on everything and nothing, marinating in rich sensations.
I am on fire. My soul burns with this life. It renders me nearly completely useless to writing. I think I could only write erotica in this moment, the whole of my body being a love story to the sensual.
Just a week ago I despaired that I would ever be able to capture the feeling I used to have when blood was quicksilver in my veins and the set of my limbs against the furniture was communicating the language of sensuality. But this week has shown me - and I’m GRATEFUL - that this part of my life is not over…perhaps sleeping underneath the paraphernalia (bacchanalia?!) of suburban wifehood (ha! This has never been me!), but very much alive. Passion; a searing, soul crumbling, living thing that is capable of having me completely enslaved.
This journey away was not about finding direction, not about the place, not even about the solitude, but of relearning that I am a Being that is capable of this depth of joy.
AFTERWORD.
On returning home the beautiful state lasted less than a day. Stephen is pensive and withdrawn. I wonder if I, or my absence, have somehow caused this. The demands of being a wife and mother quickly shatter the mental place of peace I found. I struggle with this. I chose both of those labels. I am so blessed to have married the man I love, not only love but feel is the other half of my soul. I did not know I was missing anything until I met him and he filled my heart with a joy and companionship I was never even looking for. Together we adventure all over the world, and all throughout the different phases and journeys within each of our human lives. I wonder whether Stephen is challenged that I found a bliss state without him by my side?
The children, a joy to me in each and every day, are filling my life with wonderful moments of illumination and laughter, and just as many of frustration or fatigue. I would never change the place of these two beautiful souls in my life, and yet....and yet....I have found it difficult to find true balance within myself in their presence. And here is the proof. Alone in my mind on a remote island I find bliss. At home, even with the joy of their smiles and delightfully plump-fingered hugs that I appreciate with every single embrace, I seemingly can not sit in that beautiful state of mind.
I muse that thankfully, my life's challenge is not that of being a monk. I had thought that being a monk would be the hardest thing in the world to accomplish. Perhaps I am wrong. Perhaps giving up family, passion, love or desire is the price some are willing to pay to live in the peaceful and blissful state that a mind can achieve in an uninterrupted setting. I found this on the island. I got out of my own head, I had no interruptions, no social media, no family, no money, I had nothing to 'achieve'. I simply looked after my body, my soul and my mind and the beautiful state arrived like a butterfly alighting on my shoulder.
Perhaps being a monk is easy compared to being a mother, a wife, and a contributing member of society.
........................................
Weeks on, I remember the feeling of bliss I found in myself on the island with gratitude and joy. I remember it in a visceral way; the memory is sweet and fresh and my body is rejuvenated for it, but I have not felt it coursing through my body, not once, not even a little bit. I have not solved my confusion about what I next do with my life. I have not arrived at a solution for completing my novel with ease or created a new income stream on which to live. But I do feel attractive and strong. I fit into my pre-baby clothes for the first time in 3 years. I wear what I want without fear of judgement and I feel good about it. I have fallen into the company of some beautiful people and feel deep fulfilling connections growing in and around my life. I have had some magic moments in dance, foiling and friendships. Each event a culmination - in some cases - of years of practise, effort or of building and rebuilding confidence. Stephen and I are connecting on a deeper, more fulfilling level, although this too has had its growing pains. We celebrate with my wider family the Christmas we had planned for 2020 and 2021 when covid had other ideas. I savour those days of happiness with my family, I recognise and appreciate all the blessings with which I am surrounded. Everything seems light.
In fact even as I try to catalogue these great moments for this piece of writing I realise that there have been so many great moments since I returned from Fiji. More perhaps, than could be purely coincidental. I had hoped, expected even, that I would come home and be able to hold on to my beautiful state, sharing it with my family, effortlessly rising above all petty domestic challenges, and I was devastated when I could not. I had hoped I would come home with clarity on what the next step would be in my life, but instead I still have lots of ideas and options, and no clear path. But maybe, just maybe, my 'self' experienced a great reset and this is showing up in every area of my life, woven indeterminately into a web of connections and experiences in a way I can not completely fathom.
This is perhaps the lesson. I don't need to understand what is happening for something amazing to be unfolding.
This is what I do know;
My time in Fiji was not what I expected, but it was what I needed and it was a gift I gave to myself without knowing what exactly that gift would be.
This investment in myself has paid out, but perhaps not in a way that is tangible to my dull human perceptions - just yet.
There are clues all around me, boundless opportunities, and a mysterious hum that is reverberating through the fabric of my days.
The words "joy, connection, prosperity and balance" arrive in my mind as the morning of the new year dawns.
I will never be done trying to understand the mysteries of the capacity of my mind and the depths of my soul.
May your 2023 also be filled with revelations, connections and great joy.